WHOA

It’s a bad time to be a carnivore.  Some doctors in Zurich found proof that eating processed meat can shorten your life span, and apparently everybody has probably eaten an alarming amount of horse meat for the past decade.  In truth humans are omnivores, but over the past few decades meat has become a much larger part of the average American diet.

This red meat backlash has some people swearing that they’re going to change their diets.  There are a variety of ways you can alter your diet, and we’re here to help you identify all of the eating/dieting trends you could take up.

Semi-vegetarian/Flexitarian

These terms are great for people who love buzzwords and looking trendy/smug.  Being a semi-vegetarian/flexitarian means that you occasionally eat vegetarian meals, but still eat a typical omnivorous diet.  This is a great way for people to ease into full-vegetarianism, but some people simply choose to toe the line between omnivore and vegetarian.  If you’re interested, try out observing Meatless Mondays and go from there.

Pollotarian

Pollotarians despise eating cows and pigs, but fish, chickens, and other forms of poultry are still a-okay in their book.  If you’d like to either get praised or reamed for considering becoming a pollotarian, please post about it on tumblr and wait for a fight.

Pescetarian

Pescetarians don’t eat animal flesh (chicken, pork, beef), but do regularly eat seafood.  Most pescetarians adopt the diet for nutritional reasons, although do it for ethical reasons.  Depending on who you ask, they may or may not be misguided if the reasons have something to do with animal rights.

Everybody knows that KFC is the most metal restaurant around

Vegetarian

The vegetarian tree has quite a few branches, but when most people use the term vegetarian they’re referring to people who choose not eat animal flesh.  Many vegetarians would be classified as lacto-ovo vegetarians; people who don’t eat animal flesh but regularly consume eggs and dairy.

Vegetarians who abstain from eating eggs but consume dairy products are known as lacto-vegetarians.   Ovo-vegetarians are vegetarians who eat eggs, but don’t eat dairy products.  The lactos and ovos have their own reasons for choosing whether or not they eat dairy and eggs.  Some do it for nutritional reasons, and others do it for ethical reasons.  Apparently most people in the US choose to adopt a vegetarian diet to improve their health, but they probably all feel very smug about it.

Vegan

Like the vegetarian tree, the vegan tree also has a few prominent branches.  You have your dietary vegans, environmental vegans, ethical vegans, and asswipes who still eat jello. In its most basic form veganism is the dietary practice of not eating animal products. There are some vegans who choose to not use any kind of animal product whatsoever, which is surprisingly and disturbingly difficult.

Some people like to call dietary vegans strict vegetarians because they don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, dairy, or animal derived substances. There is actually some debate over whether or not honey and other insect products should be avoided in a vegan diet, possibly because insects are slightly less empathetic than chickens and pigs. It’s unknown if they’re truly psychic and just plain better than everybody else.

Macrobiotic

People who follow macobiotic diets eat a lot of unprocessed grains, fruits, vegetables, and other traditional vegan foods.  Many macrobiotic eaters avoid meat, but there are a few who occasionally eat fish.  Some people who follow the macrobiotic diet may be surprised to learn that proper chewing is a major pillar of the diet.